Thursday, November 25, 2010

Roland's Rules For The Holidays: The Thanksgiving Edition

Roland's Rules For The Holidays: The Thanksgiving Edition

The holidays are always a wonderful time to spend with family, enjoy some great food, and have an all around good time.

But we all know that there are times when things get a little crazy, and many of you have relatives that you flat out can’t stand.

So a few years ago I came with a list called “Roland’s Rules for the Holidays.” There is a Thanksgiving edition; one for Christmas; and another for a summer cookout.

Let me warn you in advance: I am frank and to the point (OK, there are a few curse words for the point of emphasis). Some are meant to be dead serious; others are meant to be light; and others are meant to be absolutely funny.

If you bother to take these at face value, you clearly have absolutely no laughter in your life. I do these to poke fun at the craziness and laughable things that happen when families get together. So sit back, read these, and enjoy. If you recognize your family here, keep it to yourself. They might not like you laughing at them!

  1. You are not allowed to serve your own dessert. Some relatives are greedy as hell. So we will institute portion control for you greedy SOBs!
  2. If you have a special ingredient that will set off a dish, keep it to yourself. We don’t need you screwing up the whole meal with experimentation.
  3. If Thanksgiving dinner is at 1 p.m., don’t show up at 9 p.m. asking, ‘Where’s the food?’ Show your late ass up on time!
  4. To-go plates are not MANDATORY. Don’t assume you can. Ask, dammit, and we will offer. No offer, go home the same way u came: empty handed. Don’t you dare bring your own Tupperware and foil ready to feed your household for the rest of the week!
  5. If I tell you to pick up some ice, don’t grab one bag. All these folks can’t drink based on one lousy bag. A minimum of three bags is necessary, fool!
  6. You have known Thanksgiving was coming for a year, don’t call my house for a ride to my house. Figure out your own damn transportation!
  7. Once you have gotten to my house, no, you cannot borrow my car to pick up other relatives. They haven’t figured it out, it’s peanut butter and jelly for them!
  8. If you haven’t paid your child support, your ass ain’t welcome at my house. I’m not playing with you. Don’t show up or furniture will be moving!
  9. Look, if all we have is water and sweet tea, don’t be complaining about drinks. BYODD – bring your own damn drinks!
  10. No cheap ass soda/pop. If I ask for Coke or Pepsi, bring it! No name, cheap ass soda/pop will get you cussed out in front of everyone, even your kids!
  11. Look, if you don’t have your preacher papers, keep that Thanksgiving prayer short. We are not trying to go from dinner to breakfast. Got it?
  12. If you bring that Paris Hilton dog in my house, I’m throwing your ass out. NO DOGS ARE WELCOME AT MY DINNER TABLE. Mutts stay outside.
  13. Kids, no in and out. If you’re out, stay the hell out. I refuse to be vacuuming all day. Don’t mess up my carpet because you don’t know how to wipe your feet.
  14. When grown folks are talking, kids, don’t interrupt. If you keep nagging your momma and daddy, #teamwhipdatass will be fully operational.
  15. If your reading-challenged kid can’t read, we don’t to hear them reading their Thanksgiving poem. Rosetta Stone for English will be your Christmas gift.
  16. My house, my 65-inch TV, my satellite. You touch that remote, you’re paying this month’s bill. Are we crystal clear?
  17. Ladies, football is a Thanksgiving Day tradition. If you even bother to mention iceskating or gymnastics, I’m going to imitate comedian Kevin Hart on you. Comprende?
  18. We are not having a “who has the best dressing” contest. Keep your signature dish to yourself. I’m not catching a case over some damn food.
  19. STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE KITCHEN. No explanation needed.
  20. If you’re one of these 21st century women – you know, allergic to the stove – don’t offer to help cook. You insult us.
  21. If your kid gets out of line, check ‘em before I do. My house, my rules. Ass whippings are bountiful if they start disrespecting adults.
  22. If your kid breaks a toy, a fine will be levied on the spot. We need those same toys for the Christmas get-together. You can’t pay, your kid can’t play!
  23. Hey, the drunk uncle, you cannot play bartender. All liquor will be hidden until you depart the premises. Momma, I don’t care if he’s your brother. He’s a drunk!
  24. Thanksgiving is reserved for real cooks and bakers. If you bring that store bought cake in this house, everyone, in unison, will CUSS YOU OUT!
  25. If you have a picky ass eating kid, we will not fix chicken fingers for him/her. Their little ass will simply starve until y’all leave. I’m serious!
  26. When it’s time to eat, we’re not playing 21 Questions. It don’t matter who fixed what. Just keep it moving before I pop you in the back of your head.
  27. Nephew, if you bring your new woman over, and she doesn’t speak to EVERYONE in the house, I’m cussing her snooty ass out. Are we clear?
  28. Niece, if you bring your new man over and he is hitting on my other relatives, I’m cussing his punk ass out. Are we clear?
  29. If your broke uncle owes you money, man, don’t let him pull you aside for an “update.” No cash or cashier’s check, keep it moving.
  30. My house is for family and fun. There will be no talent shows. I don’t want to see your kid dance, sing, recite or read. Shut up, go outside and play.
  31. My house is NOT a daycare. If you drop your kids off, and you leave, I’m issuing an Amber Alert for your ass. Seriously, I’m not watching your kids.
  32. To the chief cusser in the family, you can’t say the prayer. Your sailor mouth can’t be followed by “…In Jesus name, Amen.” No. Repent, you devil! LOL
  33. Don’t bring up your bad childhood memories. Seriously, if we all came out right and u didn’t, don’t you blame momma or daddy or I’m throwing you out!
  34. If your iPod is filled with Jay-Z, Nikki Minaj, Too Short, Tupac, Clarence Carter, Lil Kim, Foxy Brown, you WILL NOT be DJ’ing. Are we clear?
  35. This is a family affair. The O’Jays, Spinners, Motown, Frankie Beverly and Maze, Marvin Gaye, Michael Jackson and Earth, Wind & Fire. All of those artists make the DJ list cut for the family get together.
  36. Last Thanksgiving Roland’s Rules for the Holidays 2010: When I say the get-together is over, get the hell out! I’m tired of y’all crazy folk! LOL
Have a great Thanksgiving. And I can’t wait to share with you my Christmas Holiday Rules!

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